The Scofflaw Files

Yesterday I had an adventure navigating the darkest, most ominous, evil
clerical labyrinth in Tompkins County.  Yes, I attempted to get a New York
driver's license and auto registration.

The day started with so much promise.  I confidently had pulled all my
documentation into a little pile, then set out during lunch to accomplish
my mission.  Arriving at the DMV, I experienced several setbacks.  The
valid insurance card I brought is not valid for registering a car.  Apparently
State Farm does this as some sort of practical joke.  They are the only
insurance company to do this.  The clerk said, "I don't know why State
Farm does that.  You need to get a different card."

Ok, fine.  At least I can get a driver's license.  I proudly display all
the required forms of id.  The clerk attempts to stump me by demanding
a social security card -- a new requirement since 9/11 -- but I called
in advance and knew it would be required.  I smugly whip out my social
security card.  "This isn't a social security card," she says.  Yeah,
it is really just the stub that comes with the card.  I don't actually
have a social security card (this fact happens to be the second worst
trauma from my childhood, which probably indicates I had a pretty mellow
childhood).  However, throughout my life, I've been able to use the
stub which has all the same information as the actual card, but is
a different shape.  Ignoring my passport, birth certificate and Virginia
driver's license, the clerk tells me that without a valid social security
card, I can't get a NY license.  I was thinking about telling her that
a social security card is a particularly lousy form of id since it has
no photo and is very easy to forge.  Then she looked at her computer and
frowned...

"Did you ever live in Freeville?"  Ummm... maybe... yeah.  "Did you have
a Texas license, then a New York license."  Ummm... that might have been
some other Jeff Deutsch.  "According to the computer, your license is
suspended in the state of New York."  I feigned innocence, but I knew
nothing was going to fly with Miss Doesn't-Accept-Social-Security-Stub.
"The town of Dryden has suspended your license.  If you want a driver's
license you have to clear this up with them.  And that suspension applies
to your Virginia license too, so you can't legally drive in this state."

Fantastic.  So I begin the great paperwork chase.

But first, an interlude...  Driving my filthy car, I passed East Hill
Car Wash.  Deposit eight quarters and get four minutes of high pressure
spray.  I decide to make the Subaru white again.  The spray is powerful,
but I can't get any soap to come out.  Fates conspire against me!  Can
my day get any worse!?  So I spend four minutes rinsing the dirt with just
water.  The car is pretty clean, but I want my soap.  If find the attendant
hanging out back.  He apologizes and refunds my $2 (score!).  Then he adds
soap to the wash.  Then he turns it on and gives me another four minute
wash.  A free double car wash!  This is the turning point of my day!  Fate
is now on my side!

With clean car and a positive outlook, I head to the local Social Security
office.  I'm the only customer in the lobby.  The rent-a-cop lifts his
head from his crossword puzzle and gives me one of those take-a-number things.
I'm still the only customer in the lobby.  A few seconds later, a clerk
calls number 66.  That's me.  I walk to the window, flip the number over,
and say, "I'm number 99.  Is that ok?"  She doesn't even react.  (Yes,
I really did this, honestly).  They accept my passport as proof of id
to issue a social security card.  I got the passport with my driver's license
and birth certificate.  So I use a driver's license to get a passport, I use
the passport to get a social security card, and I use the social security card
to get a driver's license.

Next a quick stop at the insurance agent's office.  She quickly prints me
proof of insurance that is valid to register a car.  She says, "I don't know
why State Farm gives everyone those other cards.  We get lots of people back
here for new ones."

Then off to the town of Dryden City Hall and Highway Department building.
The court clerk pulls my ticket out of a big metal file cabinet marked SCOFFLAWS.
Ok, they got that right.  I pay the $25 fine and the $35 late penalty.  Have I
learned my lesson?  Yes.  Next time I'll move to one of the 46 states where
I have no outstanding traffic tickets.

Finally back at the DMV.  Fate continues to smile at me.  Got my driver's license
and new plates.  Today I try to get the car inspected.  I think I'll replace that
blown taillight first.



Jeff "I'm a scofflaw because laws are scoffable" Deutsch