Telluride 2000: June's Romantic Adventures in Europe

   A ROMANTIC BED AND BREAKFAST ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF LONDON

   Hugh: Oh June, my sweet, kiss me.  Kiss me now.  Let the
         passion in your heart flow through your lips to me.

   June: Hugh, this is so sudden.  We met only three hours
         ago.  I just don't know.

   Hugh: What is the matter June?  Are you not madly in love
         with me?  You seem distracted.

   June: I was just thinking about the ski trip to Telluride
         that I am missing...

The Rice ski group, often described as intrepid, has yet another adventure planned -- Telluride 2000. Just a few days before departing, June's vacation is canceled by the CIA. She is needed for a mission in Europe. The exact nature of this mission is, of course, classified. However, highly placed sources report that it involves seducing European men in order to acquire business, technology and military secrets. The 15 remaining ski group members deal with June's absence as best they can. "This means more hot water for the rest of us when we shower," points out Dean.

Prior to the start of the trip the biggest concern is snow conditions in Telluride. Larry, who is not coming to Telluride, tries to put everyone at ease with an email message. "I just got back from Utah. It snowed every night, the lift tickets were free, and all the major ski manufactures had free demos of their hottest new skis. Met some refugees from Telluride who said that the mountain didn't have a speck of snow on it, but that didn't matter because all of their lifts are out of service after the lift 7 tragedy earlier this month. Ummm... I'm sure conditions will improve before you get there. They can't possibly get any worse." Thanks Larry. Nice try.

Adam decides to take things into his own hands. "I'm going to do my Dr. Zaeus snow dance." Atlanta and the rest of the East Coast are promptly buried by an ice/snow storm of the century. This really happened.

The storm is unfortunate for Jeff and Marci. They are heading to Colorado earlier than the others with a vacation plan that covers most of the Southwestern portion of the state. The storm extends their vacation plan to cover a good selection of airports across the country. They finally arrive in Durango Wednesday night about seven hours late. Thanks Adam.

Not to be deterred, Jeff and Marci stick to their original plan. Wednesday night is spent acclimating by sleeping out in the San Juan National Forest at about 7000' above sea level. Thursday they drive to the Sneffels Wilderness just South of Ridgeway, Colorado. Avalanche closures on the roads to Ridgeway delay them another four hours. But Jeff and Marci have also been described as intrepid. They begin skiing into the Sneffels Wilderness with heavy packs at 5:30pm. Skiing by headlamp, they reflect that the trip out will be easy since it will be all downhill. They make camp that night at 9200' above sea level.

What transpired during those days and nights in the wilderness will probably never be accurately recorded. It is known that Jeff and Marci survived extremes of altitude, weather, and chest deep snow. It is known that they spent the night in their sleeping bags with no other shelter in temperatures as cold as -10F. It is known that Jeff heroically saved the trip after the pump on the MSR Dragonfly stove cracked in the cold weather. He managed to keep the stove pressurized and replaced the fuel filter to keep a strong flame burning. It is known that the stove ran for hours each day to heat meals, hot chocolate, hands, and hot water bottles.

A clear and sunny Saturday morning inspire Jeff and Marci to backtrack and get some pictures of views which had been socked in by fog earlier. Even so, the trip back to the car is complete before noon. It is, in fact, all downhill.

   A SECLUDED BISTRO IN THE SHADOW OF THE EIFFEL TOWER

   June:   Yes Jaques, you may see my tattoo.  But first, let's
           discuss France's nuclear test program.

   Jaques: Oui, mon June.  You are... how you say?  Worthy of
           betraying my country.

   June:   Oh Jaques, vous dites les choses les plus douces.

Phil and Bob are the first to arrive at the Forman house (a.k.a. Oprah's house, a.k.a. Chateau Sans June). They are quickly joined by Jeff and Marci. Jeff's first order of business is to find a shower since he has not bathed or changed clothes since the previous Tuesday. Phil politely agrees. "You smell worse than I snore."

Forman house is situated in the middle of Galloping Goose run off chair lift #10. If you don't get on chair #10 before 4pm each day, you aren't going to get home that night. The ski in/out location is fantastic. Everyone can come and go as they please without waiting for cars or shuttles. The house itself is a mansion with plenty of marble and wood. It has an indoor jacuzzi, an outdoor jacuzzi, at least two jacuzzi tubs, and a steam room. The house is currently for sale for $2.5 Million. And that doesn't even include toilet paper holders in any of the five bathrooms.

By early Saturday evening, everyone has arrived. The first order of business is Jack. Room Jack. "We do this every year! Room Jack is not optional!" shouts Dave, perturbed that Stacy would consider assigning rooms on some logical basis instead of letting the cards decide. Marci is worried about losing the bathroom with heated marble floors, jacuzzi tub, and giant shower which adjoins the room where she and Jeff have strewn their backpacking gear. "Dave wants to Jack," she tells Stacy nervously. "Well Dave can just go Jack himself!" replies Stacy decisively. Stacy has already claimed a bathroom with a giant tub, and she isn't giving that up without a fight.

In the end, some room assignments are made on the basis of logic. Phil is relegated to the snoratorium where he is separated from the rest of the crew by a minimum of three doors. Still, there is a Jack, and a surprising one at that. As recorded on film, Dave draws an Ace (or perhaps palmed one going into Jack -- the film is inconclusive on this matter) and yet still manages to pass up a single in the sauna room and a single in the cigar room for a mattress on the floor in a quad. The crowd sits in a stunned silence at what has to be the biggest Jack mistake in the history of Room Jack. "With this mattress I am free," explains Dave. "I can sleep anywhere; the kitchen, the garage, the foyer." The crowd is decidedly unconvinced.

   OUTSIDE A BRIGHTLY LIT, HEAVILY GUARDED BUILDING.  A DARK FIGURE
   RAPPELS FROM THE ROOF.  WE SEE IT IS JUNE.  SHE TUCKS A COMPUTER
   DISK INTO HER JACKET AND BEGINS HER ESCAPE.  TWO GUARDS SPOT JUNE
   AND HOLD HER AT GUNPOINT.

   Franz: Vorsichtig, Helmut.  Dieses sieht wie ein realer morder aus.

   Helmut:  Aaach!!!

   A FLURRY OF FISTS AND FEET.  BOTH GUARDS LIE UNCONSCIOUS.

   June: Ich beende nur, wenn notwendig.

   JUNE BLOWS THE GUARDS AN AIR KISS.

   June: Wohle jungen des schlafes.

Sunday morning the skiing/boarding begins in earnest. The first of many finger injuries occurs today. By the end of the week Steve and Dave will have fingers dripping with blood. Phil will have a swollen, black and blue thumb. Of course, the Rice ski group can't play Monopoly without spraining an ankle, so the finger injuries aren't very surprising.

Steve, Bob, Dean, Dan and Mark spend the better part of Sunday trying to get lift tickets and rent skis. Dean has to visit three ski shops before finding one that can rent clown ski boots to fit his size 13 feet. The entire group spends much time at Elevation Management headquarters attempting to get the discounted lift tickets they had been promised with rental of the Forman House. Alas, the group "didn't know the secret password" and are unable to collect the tickets. This fiasco, along with many other problems (scummy hot tub, missing roll-away beds) leads Dave to declare, "Never ever again will I rent from Elevation Management. Never ever ever ever never."

Best deals of the week are had by Jeff and Dave. They trump Dan's usual position of dealmeister by using REI cards to get lift tickets at 25% off and begging a 10% discount from Paragon ski rental. "We had a coupon, but we left it in the kitchen," they whine until the exasperated staff knocks $2/day off their rental rates.

First run of Monday morning Jeff manages to sustain a non-finger related injury. While trying to teach himself to snowboard backwards (a skill of questionable usefulness known as riding "fakie") Jeff takes a fall which cracks a rib. Being a tough and intrepid member of the ski group, Jeff continues to ride his board, cross-country ski, and horseback ride for the rest of the vacation. It isn't until Friday afternoon, having nothing better to do, that Jeff goes down to the Telluride clinic. Upon returning he suggests to Adam that Adam obtain a quick injury. "The doctor is super cute. And I think she is Jewish too. You should break something and tell her you did it rescuing a bunch of orphans." Adam passes, "she probably wouldn't want to live in Atlanta." Overhearing the last part of the conversation, Henrik thinks, "Who would?"

Monday night we enjoy Jay's fantastic lasagna. As executive chef, Jay receives credit for the whole meal. Nearly every member of the ski group contributes to the dinner in some way. Some do so simply by staying out of the kitchen.

That night we play some Mafia. "I'm proposing we kill Andy in abstentia," says Dan. The motion passes easily. "Perhaps we should email Andy and tell him that we voted to kill him," suggests Dan. Killing Andy isn't enough for Dan, he wants the deed recorded for all posterity. With knowledge of the revenge that will be extracted, none will ever dare cross the Dan-man in the future.

Every trip has a half-week crowd. This trip is no different. On Tuesday Audrey bears the burden of being the only half-weeker in Telluride. She departs in silence while most of the group is on the slopes. "This means even more hot water for the rest of us when we shower," points out Dean. We miss Audrey, but Dan notes that Apple's stock jumped 2 1/4 points on news of her early return from Colorado. "I'm going to take Audrey on a long vacation to Europe, and I'm going to pay for it by shorting Apple stock the day before we leave," comments Sharon.

And speaking of European vacations....

   JUNE IS AT A PAYPHONE IN BRUSSELS.  SHE IS CHECKING MESSAGES ON
   HER SECRET CIA VOICEMAIL SYSTEM.

   

   Deep Voice: Charlie Fox Two Niner...  Abort Overlord Seven...  Out.

   

   Dan Rather's Voice: What is the frequency, Kenneth?

   

   Ski Group: Happy Birthday June!!!
   Steve:  ummm...ok...

   

After clouds and 2" of snow on Monday, the sun returns on Tuesday. It stays out for the rest of our vacation. Adam's snow dance did yield beneficial results: We enjoy a large base of packed powder and warm, sunny ski conditions. By the end of the week it is looking as if Telluride will need some new snow soon, but we have a week of fantastic conditions.

The bright sun aids wildlife spotting. Tuesday morning many ski group members see a coyote who is hanging out on Galloping Goose run. Perhaps looking for a yummy goose to eat? Or maybe just a stray snickers bar. Sharon's sharp eyes spot an ermine darting about in the snow outside Forman House.

Wednesday is the traditional day of rest. Henrik takes the opportunity for his traditional extra day of skiing. "I don't want to go, but I can't let Henrik beat me," sighs Phil as he departs with Henrik. However, Phil gets off easy compared to the epic suffered by other members of the group. As he does every year, Jeff convinces a group to try cross-country skiing with him. Marci is, of course, a willing participant. Jay and Sharon are eager as always. Bob, Dan and Dave come along with Jeff's assurances that the trip will be appropriate for beginners.

All except Jeff and Marci rent skis. It must have taken a fair amount of effort to find such a lousy batch of skis. At first glance they look like quality gear. But every pair of skis is either as slick as downhill skis (no kick) or freezes up like a 7 year-old's tongue on a cold bicycle rack (no glide). Jeff brilliantly follows the advice in his five year old book when picking a trail. "This road isn't supposed to be plowed, so there must be snow here," says Jeff as the others look at the dirt peeking through a road which clearly has been plowed. Jeff is known to ignore reality, yet none of the beginner cross-country skiers wish to debate him on this point. "I thought he knew what he was doing," said Dan afterwards. "Never ever will I make that mistake again. Never ever ever ever never."

By the end of the long day, the group manages to get back to their cars. Dave gives the red Ford Tarus a long hug. "I love you, car, I love you," says Dave with sobs catching in his throat. "Li amo anche, ma non sono pronto per quel livello dell' impegno ora. Prego rendere ad una giusta girata al punto cinque miglia," replies the car.

   JUNE WALKS HAND-IN-HAND WITH A SWARTHY YOUNG MAN ALONG A RIVER.
   THE LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA IS IN THE BACKGROUND.

   June:  Mario, you know I love you.  I would spend the rest of
          my days with you if you would let me.  Now please, give
          me directions to the secret satellite control center.

   Mario: Li amo anche, ma non sono pronto per quel livello dell'
          impegno ora.  Prego rendere ad una giusta girata al punto
          cinque miglia.

   June:  Oh, Mario, oooh.  You will see my tattoo tonight!

Thursday is a more normal day of lift operated skiing for most of the group. Steve skis over to Competition Hill to improve his time on the race course. The course which had been free earlier in the week now charges $3 for a timed run or $9 for five timed runs. Steve buys five timed runs and considers it a bargain. "My best time was when I just ignored the gates, but the guy on the loudspeaker yelled at me for that." Steve's best time when going around the gates correctly is 32.50 seconds. Others in the ski group also have compete on the timed course. Henrik and Phil race and try some time trials. But they don't focus on the results and their times have slipped from the collective memory of the ski group. Asked about his time, Phil replies, "Oh, I didn't pay all that much attention. Hey, how was your day skiing today?"

It is Adam's birthday this night. Adam often times his birthday to coincide with the annual ski trip. This is somewhat suspicious. Neverless the group accepts Adam's choice of restaurant -- a BBQ joint with a surprising amount of Austin memorabilia on the walls. "What is your connection to Austin," Dave inquires of our waiter. "Oh, the owner is from Arkansas," he replies, as if that explains everything.

For their last full day in Telluride, many chose to continue doing what they have been doing: skiing. Phil and Henrik complete an amazing 6 out of 6 days. This fact is even more impressive when you consider that they spend virtually the entire day on the slopes. As Henrik puts it, "We are just too darn old to pick up snow bunnies in the lodge, so we might as well ski."

But old doesn't necessarily mean lame, feeble and pathetic as Steve learns. He spends the afternoon skiing black runs with the "Gray Eagles", a group of 60+ year-old skiers. Steve matches them turn for turn, plunge for plunge -- earning their respect and admiration. On the lift back up the mountain, Steve discovers he has something else in common with these (b)old men. As the discussion turns to which brand of denture adhesive will hold teeth best during a wipe out into the trees, Steve casually mentions, "I have a bionic eye."

Several others decide to try something a little different that last day. As Sharon puts it, "my butt was so darn sore from falling on the slopes, I knew I needed to do something that didn't put it in jeopardy." So Sharon, Stacy, Marci and Jeff go horseback riding. Stacy makes reservations and is given directions to the ranch. Her mind is a steel trap... the intrepid horse riders arrive a scant half hour late. Recommendation: A map works much better than a steel trap when you need to find your way around town. Once they reach the ranch, they meet their guide, Roudy. He is a quiet, reserved gentleman of few words and few opinions (oh, and Bob said that cross-country skiing is the most fun he had ever had in his entire life). They trot through the high country, watching a coyote run along a ridge, and coming within several yards of a large herd of elk. Jeff takes the lead on his stallion, Budwiser. Then comes Sharon on her horse, Gassy. Stacy has the unfortunate position of following Gassy on her horse, Tilted. Marci is in the sweep position on her horse, I've Seen Dogs Bigger Than That Little Thing. Riding through snow covered meadows and stands of Aspen, the group encounters stunning vistas and perfect silence, interrupted only by the continuous sound of Roudy explaining how real estate agents, snowboarders, Texans, Californians, environmentalists, Stacy, lawyers, his employees, developers and construction workers are all complete idiots.

This night the crowd has its eye on a highly recommended German restaurant. Jeff makes a quick call on behalf of the vegetarians in the group to determine if they serve some non-meat food. The call goes something like this:

Jeff: I'd like to know if you have any vegetarian entrees.

Liemgrubers: Umm....  Ya.... Um... The chicken and noodles.  We
  could take the chicken out.

Jeff: Ok.  Is that it?

Liemgrubers: Ya... well... ya... There is the Salmon and Trout.

Jeff: Technically, those aren't vegetables.

In the end, everyone is happy with Liemgrubers. There is some free alcohol and Jay gets a free dinner when they run out of the macaroni and cheese he had ordered. Just keep the frisbees away from Phil next time.

It is the last night of the trip. And that means it is time to party! Accounting party that is. Mark issues the final call for all receipts. "I need to know when the expense was incurred," says Mark. "Tuesday, I think," replies Bob warily. "No no no. I need the day, hour, and minute. Preferably the second too." "Why?" "Because the spreadsheet I've created accounts for a standard rate of interest to cover the time value of the money used to pay bills. Haven't you people always done it this way?" Mark is incredulous at the lack of fiscal sophistication in the group. "Damn unions must have something to do with it," he mutters.

Saturday morning is now finally upon us. Everyone shouts their favorite memories of the week. Dave leading the reindeer candle procession! Dan dealing off the bottom of the deck to cause a Great Revolution in Dalmouti! The Blair Snoratorium Project! Jeff eeking out a hearts victory with a moon shot on the last hand of the game! Dan and Bob, jacket buddies! Snowshoeing! South Park: The Movie! Some football game on the huge TV!

"Be sure you get all these things into the story," yells Steve. Oh yeah, they will be subtly woven in -- like a fine tapestry.

With that the ski group departs for their various homes with but one thought in mind... Whistler 2001!!

   JUNE IS PILOTING AN F-16 JET SOLO ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.  SHE HAS THE
   SECRETS OF SEVEN EUROPEAN NATIONS IN A BRIEFCASE LOCKED TO HER WRIST.
   SHE ALSO HAS THE HEARTS OF ELEVEN MEN IN THE PALM OF HER HAND.  HER
   MISSION IS A SUCCESS AND SHE WILL RECEIVE YET ANOTHER SECRET COMMENDATION,
   PROBABLY FROM THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF HIMSELF (THE
   CHAIRMAN BEING ANOTHER OF JUNE'S ROMANTIC CONQUESTS).  STILL, THE
   TRIP WAS UNSATISFYING.  AS JUNE SEES THE EAST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES
   ON THE HORIZON, ONE THOUGHT KEEPS RUNNING THOROUGH HER MIND.  SHE TURNS
   OFF THE INTERCOM SO THAT HER "HANDLERS" CAN'T HEAR THE WORDS WHICH MUST
   BE VOICED...

   June:  I just know I would have won Oprah's room in the Jack.

---

For those of you who are not multi-lingual like June, and don't have access to babelfish.altavista.com, translations follow:

  French:  Oh Jaques, vous dites les choses les plus douces.
  English: Oh Jaques, you say the sweetest things.

  German:  Vorsichtig, Helmut.  Dieses sieht wie ein realer morder aus.
  English: Careful, Helmut.  This one looks like a real killer.

  German:  Ich beende nur wenn notwendig.
  English: I only kill when necessary.

  German:  Wohle jungen des schlafes.
  English: Sleep well boys.

  Italian: Li amo anche, ma non sono pronto per quel livello dell' impegno
           ora.  Prego rendere ad una giusta girata al punto cinque miglia.
  English: I love you too, but I'm not ready for that level of commitment
           right now.  Please make a right turn in point five miles.